Sunday, November 03, 2013

Light

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 43; the forty-third edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The theme for the month is "LIGHT"
Being in vacuum must be nothing less than what it’s here now. The emptiness. The darkness, blatant and still. Shocked, I brought my hand to my face but saw nothing. My heart sank in that miserable fear of going blind. If it was a joke it wasn't funny. 
Even though its wasn't wise to guess, my mind was pacing, making wild guesses. I could smell the stillness in air, nothing less than death. Something in me tells me I am alone but another part of me could feel presence of something, like in wait, of something or someone.
 
Tired of holding breath, I sigh. The air was damp and cold. The water precipitating on my face trickled down my neck. By now hostility had percolated into my blood and sweat and I was shivering, more from fear than cold. As I took a step forward my feet touched water. It sunk. In mud. Yes. it was mud. I could smell it, the earthly damp smell. I took few more steps I don't know why. Why was I here?

I couldn't see anything but I kind of visualised. A riverbed empty of water due to low tide leaving behind the swampy mud. The bony tree structures crowded along the bank. Some trees throwing its branches towards the river almost reaching its center. There could be a bird perched on it. An owl or vulture or maybe there was none. All this rolling in my head. I could have been on mars too.
 
All of this was extra ordinary. It was the absence of light and sound that terrified me. That's when I heard something. A movement. In the far, I saw a point of light, a tiny spectacle. For some reason I anticipated treat. It was approaching, faster, the sound growing, wilder, the source of light growing, faster, stronger. I turned and began to run, looking over shoulders, seeing it catch me up faster. And then tearing the silence, came a wild scream, more like growl. It filled the air and I felt sharp pain in my ears, as if I'd turned deaf. And then the light took over and blinded me. And I screamed till my lungs blew out. I woke up, screaming but without sound, choked up, gasping for air. 
 
I ran my hands over my face. I was drenched in sweat. I could see my hands and I could hear my husband breathing beside me. I hadn’t turned blind or deaf. I felt relieved that I hadn't woke him up. I tried to sleep but it was like an impossible task now. But something had changed in me.
 
As the moment passed, the feeling of fear was gone, replaced by something else. More of anxiety. More of wariness. It was the second time I had dreamt the dream. What was it about?
 
*
 
Next morning, the door bell rang. Through the peep hole I could see it was Riki, my best friend. I stood there grounded, unable to decide whether to open the door or not. She’d called me hundred times but I watched each of it turn to missed call. I can’t face her. With with tears in eyes I turned and ran to the bedroom. When I saw myself in the mirror, shame swept through me. This isn't me!
 
*
 
That night I saw the dream again. I was back in the swamp. But this time I was aware, as if I was there for a reason, to solve the quest. It was pitch dark as earlier and the air was cold. There was absolute silence. The only sound I could hear was my own heavy breathing. I tasted salt in my mouth. And realised I was crying. My heart was sinking as if somewhere deep down, the unconscious knew what all this was about.
 
I took few more steps, like the salty tears giving me some strength. And I looked around in search of the source of light. And then the sound alarmed me, again. Then there was movement. The light appearing. Growing. The object moving closer, making the sound. This time I recognised it. It was sound of an animal. It was of alligator. My heart picked speed. I turned against the sound and started running, the sticky mud holding me back, making me stumble. The sound and the light was fast and growing. And then I don’t know why but I stopped and turned, to face it. I hearing myself saying out loud, being brave or being stupid?
 
But there I was looking into the light through mace of my hands, too bright for me to see the animal. But I sensed it coming. And with the wild growl, I saw it. I saw it. Large. It's heavy long tail moving stealthily. And the light kind of magnified it. It was huge. It opened its mouth and flashed its large teeth. I screamed. But then it happened. The light projected in curve passing by the animal. And instead of the animal I saw him. My husband. Laughing like growling. With the eyes of alligator and long pointed teeth wanting to taste me. But. I smiled. Like finally it’s known, to me. This is it. All the time I knew but buried it down, not wanting to face the truth. Truth! I woke up.
 
He was snoring beside me. I rushed away from my husband and ran to the bathroom. I threw water over my face. The woman in the mirror was furious as if questioning me. Her left eye black with the violence. She was in pain. She had to bear it everyday and stay mum. But today, I say sorry to her, it had been difficult to take the decision. But now I am ready. I no longer feel shame but only anger swell in me. But I calm myself down. It’s time to begin again. There was only one person I would call. Riki. And like a good friend, she picks on the first ring. I sigh and the words fall out of my mouth, “Thank you”
 
P.S: To see an alligator in your dream symbolizes treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take on a new perspective on a situation. To dream that you are running away from the alligator, indicates that you are unwilling to confront some painful and disturbing aspect of your unconscious. There is some potentially destructive emotion that you are refusing to acknowledge and
owning up to. [dream definition courtesy – dreammoods.com]
 
P.P.S: I know this post seems very out of place on Diwali. I tried to write something on the festival but I simply couldn’t. So I stuck with the story.
The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Participation Count: 15